Saying No

The topic of a workshop came to mind recently, when I was coaching a young VP who was having second thoughts about a decision he had made to say no to a customer.

When I had been preparing for the workshop I had been questioning whether there would be enough material and discussion to fit the time. After all, saying no is in theory a very simple thing to do. I needn’t have worried. There was a great deal of sharing – the emotions that arise for us when asked to do something and the emotions that arise for u when we want to say no.

One of the interesting learnings from the workshop was that sometimes we fear the consequences of a saying no so much that we don’t actually say no. Instead we say that our boss or customer wasn’t willing to accept our no, without even having voiced it.

Being able to say no effectively often depends on how we are able to handle the emotions that arise and whether we are able to quickly and neutrally identify the rationale we have for saying no. If we are basing our ‘no’ simply on an emotional reaction to the person who is asking (based on our experiences of working with them in the past) or the manner in which they asked (perhaps rudely or aggressively), or the assumption that they asked us because we always say yes, or based on our assumption that the task will be onerous, then we risk short-changing ourselves. Better to step away from the emotion, understand it, harness the useful aspect of the emotion or let it go, and then think through what the opportunity is and whether it serves us to say no or yes.

Another point that arose from the discussion was a tendency to see a request for our involvement as a negative. If we fear it is a request based on an untrue perception, we can ask for clarification. Often, it is the perception that the boss has asked us because we aren’t busy. It could equally be the fact that the boss perceives us as being the most capable, the person who will deliver this the fastest, or the person who will deliver this with greater quality.

When we are certain that a ‘no’ is in order, then we will have identified the rationale for the ‘no’. A ‘no’ could be due to a lack of: time, resource, skill, responsibility, opportunity to learn, remuneration or recognition for handling the task. Responses could be framed along the lines of:

“Normally I wouldn’t hesitate to take this up, but with me and my team fully occupied with project Y, I can only get round to this at the end of the quarter. If that works for you, I’ll take it up, if it doesn’t, I will have to say no.”

“It’s flattering that you asked me to work on this, but this clearly falls into X’s responsibility. To ensure this is taken up by the right team I’d ask you to speak to X.”

“I appreciate that you have asked me to take this up, as I have done similar work on many occasions. Still, in the interests of the growth of other team members, can I suggest that you give this to X to complete? This will provide good experience for him. If there is something you can give me in M&A or strategic planning to work on, I would welcome the opportunity.”

“I can see the benefit of expanding the project to include this. However, this is a complex undertaking and I won’t be able to offer the same fee structure for this additional work. If we can agree a different fee then we can go ahead, otherwise I will have to pass on this.”

We have the right to say no, though we need to be clear that we are saying no for the right reasons.

In summary, it helps to assess the situation and follow this process: understand – think – respond. Often, we do the exact opposite: respond (or rather react) – think – understand. When we give ourselves that small amount of time to understand and manage our emotional reaction, weigh up the reality and the actual pros and cons of saying yes or no, we serve ourselves and others better.

A mantra for a multitude of situations: Understand – think – respond.