Connection Speaks Louder than Words

Connection is a basic human need. There is ample evidence that people live longer when they have strong close relationships - as well as when they have a broader network of acquaintances, family and friends to reach out to.

If you look at your own working structure, you will notice that you have stronger relationships where you feel more trust and a stronger connection with certain people.

Connection is an emotional intelligence talent. It is learnable and it is important for success in life – not just because you live longer, but because you are more effective when you are able to connect with others. With connection comes empathy - and much research points to the positive impact of empathetic leadership.

Both the Fast Company and Forbes have featured research on the effectiveness of leaders who connect and display empathy – and those who don’t.

We know when we are being ‘talked at’ as opposed to being ‘engaged with’. Often, the ability to connect matters more than the actual words you say.

What does connection look like and how do you build and exhibit it?

Have the confidence to be quiet

In some situations, when we’re with others, there can be a temptation to showcase ourselves. We want to show ourselves off in the best light, so we share details about ourselves that are designed to impress. Where we studied, the multi-national companies we’ve worked for, sometimes even whether we were a class topper. We want to make our mark and make a positive impression. It’s understandable and at times important to do this. Other times, it can be more impactful to showcase confidence through displaying more silence and attention than show(wo)manship. Investing energy in focusing on the words of another, resisting the temptation to speak over a colleague, displaying ease in observing attentively – these behaviours enable others and facilitate a connection.

Be an ego-free presence

We can be physically and mentally absent or present. If we’re present, we can be present in a ‘giving’ mode. By this I mean we can choose to seek the best for the situation, or the best for ourselves. We can strive to prove that our perspective is right and the other view is wrong. Like in a boxing contest, the spotlight is on personal ‘corners’ and who comes out of the discussion still standing. Leaving our egos at the door is easier said than done, but when others sense you don’t have a vested personal perspective that if countered will cause resentment, annoyance or humiliation, relationships and outcomes tend to prosper. It can also be a huge relief to unburden yourself from your ego.

Awareness to listen

I often share stories of situations where I have simply listened to another person – and shown appropriate body language. The recipients of my listening have responded with comments about how well the conversation flowed – even though I barely spoke a few words - and even told others how much they warmed to me. Naturally, an enquiring question, or a simple, ‘That sounds interesting,’ keeps the conversation flowing and the speaker speaking. At times it is also a huge relief to move into listening mode – knowing there is no need to do more than listen and nudge the speaker to continue sharing.

The how of engagement

When you connect well, you create a trusted presence, which is supported by the way you deliver what you have to say. You know what words will gel with your counterpart, your team and your organization. And importantly, you deliver your words with the appropriate tone, pace and emotion. Your style of delivery reinforces the impact of your ego-free, physical presence.

Building Connection

Here are some practical pointers on how to create genuine connections.

What’s interesting?

When needing to work closely with a counterpart with whom you are meeting for the first time, listen out for what interests them and what interests you. Respectfully probe when you suspect your counterpart can share a longer story and enjoy what unfolds.

What’s shared?

Connection often accompanies a shared experience. We tend to relate more strongly to people who have had some similar experiences to us, especially when those experiences are perhaps unusual. During the process of listening, you will inevitably find a few areas of shared experience. This is where bonds are built.

What’s complementary (and contrary)?

Typically, we warm to people who are like us. If we are outgoing, we enjoy the company of other outgoing people. If we enjoy process and structure, we prefer working with people who also like a well-planned agenda or presentation. Over time, the similarity of another can create friction. What is typically more interesting, and initially more challenging, though ultimately more rewarding, is to connect with people with contrary yet complementary styles. This provides an opportunity to gain a broader perspective, bounce off each other and make better decisions. As ample research attests: diversity yields better results.

We often say seek first to understand. Perhaps a precursor is: Seek first to connect.