The Urge to Please

I was reminded of a conversation I had a few years back recently when working with a group of leaders on their personal and professional vision. When considering what provided real satisfaction, one participant shared that she found it hard to think of anything that she had ever undertaken of her own free will that gave her true joy. She had always been operating under ‘’orders’’ from others – often parents or family members - and as a result, she had become accustomed to following their advice, without contemplating where her wishes fit into the picture.

People can be aware of a desire to please others, to varying degrees, and not do anything about this. Even when no one is giving messages of ‘’it would be best to do this’’ or ‘’you should do this’’, somehow there can be a voice saying those very words. I thought this was a typically feminine trait and so voiced my belief with a male colleague one day in the office. Expecting agreement or perhaps empathy, he surprised me with his reply: “You’re not the only one trying to please others’’. Whilst based only on a sample of one, his response prompted me to wonder whether pleasing others is a cross-gender phenomenon – and more importantly, regardless of whether it is or not, how to tackle the issue.

What do I Want

How many of us enter adulthood knowing what we really want to do or be in life? If we have an idea, then we take steps in that direction. If we are unclear, often we are guided by voices from the past, values we’ve imbibed and the desire to do the right thing. Even if we are prompted to chart our own course and do what makes us happy, we may still seek a ‘’safe’’ option, such as the well-respected blue-chip or a profession in medicine or law. Whilst we may well make decisions that are true to our vision, we might benefit from support in fine-tuning this.

At the heart of understanding what we want is understanding who we are, our goals – noble, life-defining, inspiring goals, our values and our true strengths. Even armed with this knowledge, taking the steps to true fulfilment can be difficult. We need to balance practicalities with our aspirations and map out the path – and we can benefit hugely from having a champion along the way, someone who questions, challenges and supports us.

Overcoming the Urge

Previous blogs allude to the urge to say yes, even when we want or need to say no. If the urge to please is taking over, how do we challenge it? Perhaps ask some of the following questions:

• How does it serve me?

  • If I divert from my desired course, how do I benefit (honestly assess if there are benefits for you e.g. by becoming an entrepreneur I will lose a fixed income at a time when my child is entering school).

  • If another person is urging you to do or not do something, question how the other person benefits from you deviating from you preferred path? Examine and challenge their motives and assumptions. These might be based on fear or uncertainty or a desire to protect you (their fear of you losing income or status, fear of them losing influence or access to you, or uncertainty in your ability to succeed). And based on your analysis, be open to staying your course or changing your mind.

• What is the fallout?

  • What is the potential downside of not seeking to please? Could it be the loss of respect of a colleague, a family member, a boss or friend – and are you prepared to accept that?   

• How do I best communicate my decision?

  • What is the most effective way to share your decision - will sharing the logic and reasoning behind the idea support it being accepted?

• Am I Ready to Take Responsibility?

  • By no longer seeking to please others, the ball is firmly in your court. Are you ready for that responsibility?

The urge to please can be strong. If you want to rein in that urge, can you step back and take time to reflect and resist an automatic ‘’yes’’? Can you consider the options and respond in a way that best suits you?