Connect for Respect

For you to respect someone or something, do you first have to feel a connection to that person or thing?

I’ve been mulling this over for a while. Specifically, is connection a prerequisite to respect, to trust, to influence? What does connection actually mean - and how do we experience connection?

In terms of how we connect as humans, this often relates to shared values, a common vision and the behaviour we observe in the people around us.

Connection through Core Values

I was working with one group of people from an organization that was new to me. Even though the organizational and indeed country culture was one I was not familiar with, I felt a connection to the people in the team. Why? Possibly because they were open, genuine (they were even genuine in expressing what they didn’t want to be exposed to during our work) and clearly interested in forming stronger relationships with each other and me. I also appreciated their openness to making mistakes and not taking themselves too seriously. Their values – apparent from their behaviour – gelled closely with my own values, and even when it didn’t, I respected the honesty and openness.

At the same time, I was working with a team of executives who I didn’t feel too strong a connection with. I felt the team had stated noble beliefs, values and principles of behaviour, yet the reality of their engagement with each other and with me was almost the exact opposite of their professed team culture. How we addressed these disconnects is a story for another post, the overwhelming take-away for me was that without a sense of connection with the team as a whole, I could do the work and work productively with individuals, but as a unit, I couldn’t gel with the team. I didn’t respect the team behaviour.

Connection Through a Shared Vision and Ideas

In some situations, initially, we may not feel a strong connection with a colleague or counterpart (usually because they behave differently to us – I’m talkative, they aren’t), but we can connect over an idea, or a sense of shared purpose or vision. Whilst we might not initially gel with the individual we can connect based on the bigger picture.

Connection through Emotionally Intelligent Behaviour

There is a reason empathy is a core component of emotional intelligence – it’s because to empathise, we need to understand another person. Once we understand how another person is feeling and why they might be feeling a certain way, we are open to feeling a connection to them. When we see empathy in action - for example, a colleague who would normally be forthright in expressing an opinion dialing down their response, knowing that their counterpart needed to be handled with care - at that moment, we typically connect to that person’s humanity. We respect them for their behaviour.

Indeed, when we exercise our emotional intelligence – when we ourselves exhibit awareness of others’ feelings and use our rational brain to attune our behaviour to be effective with a counterpart – we create a greater connection with them (and tend to feel good about ourselves in the process).

As an aside, in this closing quarter of 2019, I’ll be holding Connection EQ Cafes, where we will look at Connection from multiple perspectives and link this to emotional intelligence. These are interactive, experiential free 90-minutes workshops, so look out for further information, or connect with me to learn more.

The Impact of Connection

Connection as a Critical Human Need

If you are reading this post, you probably already know that humans need to feel connection to thrive. Several years ago I took the FIRO-B certification, developed by William Schultz. Two of the parameters are affection and inclusion, both of which relate to social connection – affection meaning engagement with people on a personal level, and inclusion relating to including others and being included by others in social groups. The third parameter relates to control – essentially whether you like to be in charge, or you’re happy with other people laying down the law. Anecdotal evidence from the session I attended indicated that the majority of people had a high preference for control and being in charge of a situation – but their biggest want or need was for affection.

Beyond the anecdotal, there is ample research detailing the longer lives led by people with close relationships and a solid social set. Indeed, social interaction is more important in predicting long life than whether you smoke, drink or exercise.

Connection as a Brain Talent

Interesting research from Six Seconds, a not-for-profit leader in Emotional Intelligence, has identified 18 brain talents that support our success in life. Success being defined as a sense of effectiveness, achievement, well-being and strong relationships. All of the 18 brain talents are important – to different degrees, depending on how we are investing our time. One of the brain talents is Connection. This is the ability to tune into the human wifi around us, pick up on the emotions people are feeling and use that data to modify our behaviour, create connections and build relationships.

Connection as the Cornerstone of Respect

Which brings me back to the initial question. Is connection essential for respect? Can we only truly respect people with whom we feel a connection – whether at the level of values, vision, or behaviour?

Enough thought, who or what are you going to make an effort to connect to today?