Speaking a few weeks ago with a colleague from Korea, he shared how a key partner was creating a challenge for him.

He was frustrated with the partner’s inability to move ahead with an important project.

And he drew the analogy of needing to be the bigger bowl.

He explained how with Korean dishes, there is the big bowl with a lot of capacity for the main meal – and the small bowl, which holds the sauce and is quite confined and limited in its scope.

He felt he was justified in sticking to his small bowl and holding onto his point of view. After all, he had shared lots of great suggestions around how to deliver the project – but without his partner acting on any of these.

Whilst there was comfort in staying in the smaller bowl, he knew it would be stalemate if he remained confined in his heart, attitude and thinking.

When do you behave as the big bowl and when the small bowl?

The big bowl approach is being the ‘bigger’ person in a situation, by:

• Expanding your emotional container to accept the other person’s feelings around the opinion, plan, strategy, approach – even if you disagree with them – and staying calm.
• Making the first move to forgive or reconnect or de-escalate the situation – even if you are objectively not at fault
• Tolerating disappointment or discomfort with others without reacting
• Providing the space to hold others’ emotions and perspectives – and within that space, safety for others to express themselves. Choosing to work together from where your counterpart currently is.

(From speaking with other Korean people, there is also a sense that people with a bigger bowl have a higher capacity in terms of ability and caliber – though that wasn’t the context in which this saying was shared with me.)

The small bowl behaviour shows up as being:

• More self-protective and unwilling to venture beyond their boundaries, without an act of understanding or rapprochement from others
• Unable to provide space and energy to view a situation from another perspective
• Possibly a little stubborn or proud in holding onto beliefs and mindsets

Is one better than the other?

There are times when it might serve you well to remain within the small bowl. Especially when boundaries are being violated or you’re saving yourself from being burnt out or manipulated or exposed to toxic dynamics.

But in leadership, we typically value the big bowl behaviour – moving ahead constructively and respectfully, guided by the bigger purpose. And acting with emotional stability – choosing when and how to respond.